News From Somewhere

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House has cited President Grump’s recent medical examination to argue that the President is no more mentally incompetent now than he was in previous exams.

Speaking to reporters, White House press secretary Careless Levity said that the President, in his latest cognitive exam, “clearly distinguished between the pictures of an ant and an elephant.” Furthermore, she added, “the President was aware that the MRI conducted during his medical was directed to some part of his body. He said so, and I so no reason to contradict him.”

Asked whether it was true “that the President believes that tariffs are paid by whoever he decides must pay them,” Levity replied, “Well, he’s the President, and whatever the President decides must be presumed to be true. And remember, he aced the ant-elephant test. It’s fake news to claim that he just recalled the answer from an earlier exam. He can’t remember those.”

In your view, the universe is the creation of God?

Yes.

And s/he is in charge of what happens in it?

Let’s call Him “He” just to stick with tradition. Yes, He’s in charge.

Of the whole thing?

The whole thing.

Do you know how many stars there are in the universe?

Lots.

Astronomers estimate anywhere up from 200 billion galaxies in the visible universe, possibly as many as a trillion of them. And those galaxies vary in size, but maybe on average there are two or three or four trillion stars in each.

So that’s maybe a trillion trillion stars.

Yes, at least. Why do you think God made so many?

I don’t pretend to understand God’s reasoning.

But presumably, he didn’t create the rest of the universe just so human beings would have something to look at at night; if it was just to entertain us, he could have hung lanterns in the sky. All those stars must have been created for some role that doesn’t involve Earth.

That certainly seems likely, though we can’t know what God intended.

As far as astronomers have been able to determine, a large proportion of stars have planets orbiting them. Maybe most of them do. But to be conservative, maybe there are 500 billion trillion stars with planets.

So?

And maybe only one in a billion stars with planets has one or more planets able to support life. That would still mean at least 500 trillion planets that, at some point in the billions of years of their existence, are likely to have life on them. I can’t imagine that God, having brought that life into existence, would just ignore it; he must look after it to some extent.

I am confident that God would be benevolent towards all of His creation.

Looking after life forms on 500 trillion or more planets must be quite a chore. Of course, fungal spores, one-celled creatures and the like wouldn’t require much attention. But, on Earth, even if God only looks after humans and ignores chimpanzees and dolphins and whales and other developed creatures, there are something like eight billion of us. If we project those figures onto a universal scale, that’s something like 3 or 4 billion trillion trillion individuals God has to keep track of.

But God doesn’t have to keep close track of every individual. He has made laws that govern how everything happens, so just setting it all going, so to speak, was enough.

But if one of my loved ones is afflicted with cancer or Covid or some other disease that, by the laws discovered by medical science, is likely to kill them, and if I ask God very politely—if I pray—God might suspend the normal operation of those laws?

He might well do that.

So he still has to keep track of every one of those 3 or 4 billion trillion trillion individuals, in case any of them are asking him to suspend the natural laws that mean he doesn’t have to keep track of them?

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In addition to the Nobel Peace Prize, President Donald Grump has been nominated for at least one and maybe several additional Nobel Prizes. The additional nomination(s) were announced in Washington by White House press secretary Careless Levity when a reporter asked her to comment on the President’s “Bite” on his Tooth Social media platform in which he wrote: “I am a Shoe Inn for the Peace Prize if the liberals in the Norwegian parliament don’t RIG it because they’re trying to stop Greenland and Canada from exercising their DEMOCRATIC RIGHT to surrender.”

While endorsing Grump’s Bite, Levity added the the President has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Jurisprudence. The nominations are from Israeli Prime Minister Bud Netanyobbo and Leer Bootless, who was President of Brazil until “he was undemocratically ousted from Office by an Election,” as President Grump wrote on Truth Social.

President Grump had earlier been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Netanyobbo, who said that the President “showed admirable restraint in allowing me to have first go at destroying Iran.”

Netanyobbo said that at first he hadn’t realized it was possible for him to make two nominations, but now that he realized that there was no limit, he would also consider nominating President Grump for the Prize for Meteorology, because of his contribution to debunking the climate change hoax, and the Prize for Mathematics for his discovery that reducing funding for health care by a few trillion dollars can leave that funding unchanged.

Both Netanyobbo and Bootless mentioned in their nomination for the Jurisprudence Prize, that among Grump’s other judicial achievements was his recognition that the criminal charges against both of them were totally unfounded. They pointed out that the charges against Netanyobbo have been pursued “even though he has repeatedly denied them”. Jair Bootless was accused of organizing a coup after election authorities denied his wish to continue in office. Here, both nominators approvingly quoted Grump’s crushing riposte: “What’s wrong with that?”

It has been reported, but not yet confirmed, that both Netanyobbo and Bootless intend to nominate Grump for the Nobel Prize for Economics, citing his mammoth increase in personal wealth during only a few months in office.

(The Nobel Prize for Jurisprudence doesn’t exist, but it is expected that the relevant Nobel committees will create one quickly if they know what is good for them.)

(Rooters analysis) – Discussions of how artificial intelligence might alter employment and social relations have so far only skirted around a far more fundamental and disturbing aspect, according to a leading social scientist.

Dr. Maxim M. Dubelthing, an expert in computer studies and author of numerous scientific books including Do People Need to Think? and How to Make Your Computer Respect You (Maybe), the problem is that the so far limited abilities of AI have caused people to focus on particular, limited, problems that AI might be able to help resolve. What is needed, he says, is to consider the more general conundrums that AI “may be able to deal with much sooner than we think.”

Asked for specifics, Dubelthing replied, “For example, you might ask AI how to deal with a large number of homeless people in a particular city. At present, the ‘solution’ offered is likely to involve things like putting up tents or subsidizing builders to build more houses.

“That kind of limited thinking is why I say that, today, AI really stands for ‘artificial incompetence.’ When computers are capable of real artificial intelligence, they will take a broader, overall, view of things.”

Such as? “Well, a really intelligent computer might ask, Why are these people homeless? If told it’s because they don’t have enough money to rent or buy a home, the computer would perhaps reply, ‘That’s ridiculous. There are any number of people who have more money than they could ever possibly use; just take some of that money and use it to buy housing for the homeless.’”

There are even greater dangers, Dubelthing says. “If the computer is being really logical and intelligent, it might go further and advocate something like vastly reducing the degree of economic inequality.

“And that’s only on the question of housing and homelessness. If you started asking about things related to racism or war or climate change, there’s no limit to the social changes artificial intelligence might suggest.”

But Dubelthing doesn’t think this is an immediate prospect. “I’m confident that the people developing AI will be sure to keep it within the necessary parameters. They wouldn’t want it to undermine the very essence of our civilization.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The well-known conspiracy internet site QRAnon has released the following statement regarding the death of Pope Francis:

Shortly after Vice President Doggo Prance made an unscheduled visit with Pope Francis, the latter died. Coincidence, you say?

But only a day earlier, the Pope had been released from hospital after recovering from pneumonia, and had delivered his traditional Easter blessing. If his health had been questionable, surely his doctors would have intervened.

Only a day before his meeting with the Pope, Prance had met with top Vatican officials, including Secretary of State Cardinal Pietro Parolin and Foreign Minister Archbishop Paul Gallagher. It seems highly unlikely that Prance could have raised issues that those officials could not deal with and that therefore had to be presented personally to the Pope.

Prance himself officially became a Catholic less than six years ago, in 2019. Before that, he spent years being either an atheist or one or another variety of Protestant. He claims that his wife, who is a Hindu, was important in his “conversion” to Catholicism.

It has been reported that the Pope gave Prance several chocolate eggs for the latter’s grandchildren. Did Prance similarly provide a gift to the Pope? If so, has it been thoroughly inspected and analyzed?

As is well known, in his last weeks the Pope had openly or implicitly criticized policies of the US government regarding the wars in Gaza and Ukraine and the Grump-Prance administration’s deporting of immigrants and refugees.

All these undisputed facts add up, at the very least, to require a thorough investigation of Prance’s meeting with the Pope, including the release of any CCTV footage of the meeting and a thorough report on any officials who may have accompanied the Vice President on his visit.

[Rooters presents the above information as a public service. Rooters of course in no way endorses any of the claims or insinuations in the statement.]

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Mark Arboreal has indicated that the US possibly walking away from too-slow Ukraine negotiations may be part of a larger diplomatic and governing strategy devised by President Donald Grump.

“We have other things to do,” President Grump said, backing Arboreal, “and Ukraine is not our war. Come to think of it, there are not a lot of wars going on where we stand to benefit, aside from securing the Trump Resort Gaza. We could just move on from it all.”

Musing aloud to an audience dining on borscht, vodka, and caviar at his Mainly Loco resort in Florida, the President suggested that there were other, non-military, problems that the administration might move on from.

“Tariffs. Oil. Bumless homes. We need more coal. Bandomics. Why won’t Panama sell Greenland to us? Billions of people cropsing our broaders. Nothing ever stops.”

According to an administration insider who insisted on anonymity until they have signed a planned book contract, moving on from many “Earth-bound” problems would free hundreds of billions of government dollars for more productive use.

For example, the insider mentioned that diverting Medicaid funding into establishing a MAGA colony on Mars would show the world how well American free enterprise could function if it weren’t being regulated to death, and also, if things get awkward here, provide a bolt-hole for those who could afford the ticket price.

It appears that President Grump is thinking about appointing Gollum Rust, the world’s richest thing, as CEO of such a Mars project, once Rust completes his assignment at DODGE (Dopey Oligarchs Destroying Government Efficiency). This would ensure that enthusiasm for the project was not dampened by Rust having to spend any of his own money for it.

What else might US ‘move on’ from?

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Mark Arboreal has indicated that the US possibly walking away from too-slow Ukraine negotiations may be part of a larger diplomatic and governing strategy devised by President Donald Grump.

“We have other things to do,” President Grump said, backing Arboreal, “and Ukraine is not our war. Come to think of it, there are not a lot of wars going on where we stand to benefit, aside from securing the Trump Resort Gaza. We could just move on from it all.”

Musing aloud to an audience dining on borscht, vodka, and caviar at his Mainly Loco resort in Florida, the President suggested that there were other, non-military, problems that the administration might move on from.

“Tariffs. Oil. Bumless homes. We need more coal. Bandomics. Why won’t Panama sell Greenland to us? Billions of people cropsing our broaders. Nothing ever stops.”

According to an administration insider who insisted on anonymity until they have signed a planned book contract, moving on from many “Earth-bound” problems would free hundreds of billions of government dollars for more productive use.

For example, the insider mentioned that diverting Medicaid funding into establishing a MAGA colony on Mars would show the world how well American free enterprise could function if it weren’t being regulated to death, and also, if things get awkward here, provide a bolt-hole for those who could afford the ticket price.

It appears that President Grump is thinking about appointing Gollum Rust, the world’s richest thing, as CEO of such a Mars project, once Rust completes his assignment at DODGE (Dopey Oligarchs Destroying Government Efficiency). This would ensure that enthusiasm for the project was not dampened by Rust having to spend any of his own money for it.

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – The recent surprise appeal by Denmark has thrown the NETO military alliance into confusion. By invoking Article 5 of the founding document of the Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization, Denmark has raised the possibility of military conflict among at least some of the alliance’s members.

As is well known, Article 5 requires NETO members to regard the use of armed force against one of the members as an attack on themselves. Hence, when Denmark announced that some of its territory—Greenland—was under attack from the United States and that it required its allies’ assistance, members were forced to confront NETO’s role in the new situation created since US President Donald Grump discovered that NETO doesn’t pay as well as does Russian President Vlatitude Buttinsky.

It’s true, as the Danish government acknowledges, that the US invasion is not yet on a massive scale, consisting mostly of sorties from Spituppik military base, which was originally set up by agreement of the two countries. But it argues that it is important to stop the US attack now, before it becomes any larger.

Perhaps the biggest dilemma is the one confronting the US. Since it is, at least formally, still a full member of NETO, it is legally obligated to provide troops if necessary to help Denmark defeat the attack. Theoretically, this could result in US troops confronting, and possibly even firing on, other US troops.

Some of President Grump’s Make America Grate Again supporters are known for predicting, or even advocating, a new US civil war, but it is unlikely they viewed it as beginning in a scenario such as that.

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A survey of American judges by Rooters has found surprising support for a proposed annual culling of US judges.

The proposal, advanced by Special Government Employee Gollum Rust, was “that the worst 1% of appointed judges, as determined by elected bodies, be fired every year.”

The Rooters survey found that a significant minority of judges considered their colleagues incompetent or corrupt to a degree that would justify carrying out Rust’s suggestion. However, many of the judges supporting the idea said it should be paired with a second proposed culling.

As expressed most clearly by one of these judges, the idea was that “the worst 1% of billionaires, as determined by elected bodies, have their wealth confiscated every year.” The confiscated billions, proponents said, could be used to reduce the government deficit or to fund improved social welfare, such as poverty reduction.

At press time, Gollum Rust had not replied to Rooters’ request for comment.

SAINT PETERSBURG (Rooters agency), 5 January 1917 – Tsar Nicholas II announced his “imperial joy” at the unexpected recovery of his Imperial Advisor Grigori Rasputin, who was injured in an assassination attempt last week.

Tsarina Alexandra joined the Tsar in expressing thanks to God “for saving the Saint Rasputin” from the threat of death.

Tsar Nicholas said, “After Grigori saved our son Tsarevich Alexei Nikolaevich from his dangerous illness, we knew that God Almighty was on his side and would protect him from serious harm. We can now return to commanding our Imperial Troops on the German front, confident that our Empire will remain peaceful and well governed.”

Imperial Advisor Rasputin thanked the Tsar and his Consort for their kind wishes. “Under their Imperial guidance, I will continue fighting to make the Empire grate again.”

TEL AVIV (Rooters agency)–There are hopes for negotiations on the Middle East finally leading to results as Israeli Prime Minister Bud Nottonyernelly and US Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered appear close to agreeing on a ceasefire.

Observers say that the prospects for agreement have been improved by limiting the talks to Nottonyernelly and Blinkered, who over the last year have shown strong signs of a meeting of minds even when they might have differed on details. The exclusion of Hamas, Hezbollah, and Iran—all of which have been involved in fighting back against Israeli attacks—have made it possible for the talks to focus on the essentials.

It now appears likely that Nottonyernelly may be willing to hold back on attacking at least part of the remaining forces (aside from the Houthis in Yemen) with which Israel has been militarily engaged. This would involve an Israeli pledge not to bomb the United nations, which the Israeli Prime Minister calls “a swamp of antisemitic bile.”

In return, the United States would promise to look the other way if Israel found it necessary to continue firing on UN peacekeeping troops in southern Lebanon in order to defend Israel’s right to exist.

Insiders say the only remaining obstacle to a complete agreement concerns modifying Nottonyernelly’s characterization of the UN. The Israeli side has rejected Blinkered’s proposal that this be changed to “a puddle of antisemitic bile.” The current discussions are said to be revolving around “a pond of antisemitic bile” and whether the pond should be called “large” or “small.”